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Healthinmind/Emergencies/Domestic
Violence
Effects
of Domestic Violence on Children
Childhood factors that determine how domestic violence will
affect children include:
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Children's
worlds are limited; they depend a great deal on their
household's stability, and they can't understand adult
problems
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They
are incredibly sensitive, especially in regard to anything
that can affect the stability of their limited world |
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They
are surprisingly vigilant and may assume the role of protector
for a parent or mediator between parents |
Children may have a variety of
reactions when witnessing domestic violence.
When they see that their parents are beginning to
fight they may:
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Change their own
behavior to see whether they can prevent the fight (which
shows that they feel some responsibility for the violence)
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Try
to manipulate their parents for their own benefit |
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Abuse alcohol or
drugs, or leave home to escape the tension |
During the fight they may:
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Assume the role of
parent, intervening to stop the violence
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Get hurt trying to
get in the middle |
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Hide |
During the "honeymoon" period (when the
couple has made up) children may:
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Feel relieved, but
confused
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Feel they can't
trust mom or dad |
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Feel guilty,
believing that the violence is their fault |
What children who witness violence in the home
learn:
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Daughters learn
that being abused is acceptable, possibly even a sign of love,
so later they will allow this behavior from their boyfriends
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Boys learn that
beating the woman they love is acceptable behavior, therefore
perpetuating the cycle of violence across generations |
How to talk to your child about what is happening
in the home:
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Listen
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Accept
and acknowledge what they say about how they feel |
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Never
make them feel that what they have to say isn't important |
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Whenever
they express their feelings, make them feel it was worthwhile
to trust you |
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Tell
them you love them |
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Don't
pressure them to talk, if they're not ready, wait for another
chance to talk about the subject |
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NEVER
put your children in a position in which they must take part
in the fight by taking sides. Don't blame your spouse or
try to get the children to see your point of view only |
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Talk
to your children frequently and about many things.
Always express interest in their opinions. That way,
when there is a problem, they will feel comfortable sharing
their thoughts with you |
Witnessing abuse in the home has become known as "second-hand
abuse," because it has so many negative effects on the
witnesses.
Children who live in violent homes:
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become violent themselves and
learn to abuse others |
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feel abandoned emotionally |
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live in constant fear |
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experience constant anxiety |
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feel powerless |
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develop low self-esteem |
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have behavioral problems (externalizers) |
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become depressed (internalizers) |
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are isolated |
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take on adult roles prematurely |
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suffer from stress and flashbacks |
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learn extreme behavior |
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have problems in school |
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have nightmares |
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can't concentrate |
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are sick a lot |
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hurt themselves |
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talk about suicide
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destroy things |
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etc. |
Some of the behaviors listed above are externalizing behaviors,
or acting out behaviors. Others are internalizing behaviors,
or "holding it in" behaviors. Both are equally bad.
Externalizing behaviors will get the children in trouble more
frequently, but internalizing behaviors are just as painful for the
child and have life-long consequences as well. Many parents
think sending the child to another room protects them.
However, children know what happens in the home. The only way
to truly protect children is by seeking help to stop the violence.
Portions of this page were taken from "The
Painful Legacy of Witnessing Domestic Violence, by Barbara Corry,
M.A. (1994).
Last updated 12/19/03
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