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Excuses People Make to Justify Domestic Violence
“I like him”
Abusive men are likeable. In many ways they are just like everyone else. But it is important to remember that this likeable man exerts his power and control in ways that physically and/or emotionally destroy his family. Liking him can be the first step toward minimizing his abuse. “He is a victim”Many, if not most or all, men have been victimized in their lives. He needs to take responsibility for what he is now doing in order to stop the cycle. By itself, helping him deal with his victimization will not stop his abusiveness. Understanding his victims will help him stop his abuse and better understand his own victimization. “She's the perpetrator”
His partner may not be a very nice person (or he may paint her that way). Men almost unanimously use this as an excuse for their behavior. No matter what she does, he has no right to abuse her. “He's stressed out”Stress does not cause abuse. Men who stop trying to control members of their families often report a lessening of stress. “His life sucks. He's being oppressed (by his boss, his mom, whomever)”Oppression is bad. Abuse is bad. We can end oppression by dealing with the oppressors, not by abusing those lower in the cultural hierarchy. “If he stops his substance abuse, he will stop his violence”
Substance abuse can dramatically increase the forms abuse takes. However, unless the man is willing to confront his attitudes about power, control, and his family, and take concrete steps to redistribute the power in the relationship (develop a partnership), he will continue to try to dominate others, even when he is sober. “Anger is an addiction”Many men report feeling "high" and find a release of tension when they lose their temper. Although there are physiological components to anger, abusive behavior is a political (power and control) issue. There are many non-abusive ways to deal with tension. “It is a problem in the family system”
Abusive men generally have family or couple's issues that need to be dealt with at some point.
Family
system issues can only be resolved when partners have equal
or close to equal power in the relationship. Abuse
maintains an inequality in power that interferes
with changes in the family system. Abusive
men do not participate in open discussions about how to solve
problems, they rule by force, which can lead to safety concerns
for family members.
“He's sorry and he's trying hard not to do it”
The only way to really say you're sorry is to end the abuse. Information adapted from the Non-Violence Alliance (438 Main St., Suite 303, Middletown, CT 06457 Last updated 12/19/03 |
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