Obsessive Love is Not Real Love

“When Mary made plans to go to the movies with her girlfriends, John called her six times before she left the house.  He wanted to know if she missed him, and he wanted to know why she preferred to go out with her friends instead of him.  Mary began to feel trapped and controlled, and even though she loved John, she told him they should not see each other for a few days.  That night, around 2 a.m., John called Mary to tell her he was going to commit suicide because she didn't love him any more.”

Obsession, jealousy and being possessive in a romantic relationship are not a natural consequence of love - they are a consequence of insecurity, need for control, and manipulation.  Sometimes, when we are treated like Mary, we suppose we are loved and this person will love us forever.  However, how John treated Mary had nothing to do with how he felt toward her; it had to do with how he felt toward himself.  He felt a need to control because he felt insecure about deserving love. 

Following are some signs of obsessive love which already has turned, or is about to turn, into dangerous love.  If someone treats us this way we cannot calm them by showing them we love them.  They need to understand their problem and seek professional help. 

	He thinks he can't live without you
	He promises himself (sometimes by your request) things like "I won't call her" or "I won't force her to tell me everything she did since the last time I saw her" but he always breaks those promises
	He feels he never spends enough time with you
	You and he spend less and less time having fun and more and more time asking for forgiveness and promising that things will get better
	He regrets his behavior, which in turn affects your relationship
	He tries each day to control you and everything around you more and more
	He feels he has to know everything about you:  who you've seen, with whom you've talked, or where you've been
	He threatens suicide or to hurt you to get your attention
	You and he depend on each other to be happy and have fun
	You do not make decisions or plans; instead, you wait to hear from him what he's decided you two will do
	He comes to where he knows you'll be without warning, as if to spy on you
	You no longer go out or have fun without him and when he's not home you worry what state he'll be in when he comes
	Your friends no longer call, or leave messages he doesn't give you, or they tell you that you're no fun anymore
	He thinks that when you want to be alone or with others it's a sign you don't love him

If your relationship is similar to this, talk to someone, get help!

Information adapted from  “In Love and In Danger:  A Teen’s Guide to Breaking Free of Abusive Relationships,” 1993.

                                                                                                                                Last updated  12/19/03